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The Bearded Man once had an extended conversation with The Mama’s and The Papa’s about California dreamin’, but they just couldn’t see eye to eye. Something about their vibe rubbed him the wrong way. It was only years later when our hero met Chelsea Perkins that the magic of California began to sink in. From afar, all he could see was bad healthcare, roads so poorly maintained that they make mainland North Korea look like the autobahn, and homeless folk stretched out as far as the eye can see. Yep, from far away, it looked like a pretty bad deal. But then Fontaine Ivory stepped in and convinced him to give it a try. The Bearded Man put on his walking boots, groomed his beard one last time, threw his razor in the trash and hitched all the way to the sunshine state. When he realized that he had been going the wrong direction, and that the sunshine state was actually f***ing Florida, he turned around and went all the way back across the country. When he finally got to Malibu, he understood what all the fuss was about. He spent one day on the beach, and he “got it” immediately. He’s been California Dreamin ever since. Even though he might leave from time to time, it’s true what they say: “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!"
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